I Like Me... Most of the Time

You ever have one of those days or moments when you feel utterly terrible about something you've said or done? If you haven't you have no heart. Sorry. That wasn't nice. I'll add that to the other things I feel terrible about.  Anyway, I had such a moment recently. And when I have those moments I pop popcorn, play music and throw myself a pity party. Because it's in those moments that I wish I had a calm, quiet personality that is never impulsive and never says things or does things it shouldn't. That's when I wish I would never interrupt conversations or laugh too loudly or talk too much or care too much about being witty.
And then, halfway through my bowl of popcorn and just as "Billie Jean" is ending, I remember something. I'm darn happy with who I am. Oh yes, yes indeed I have flaws. And yes, I have done and said things I wished I hadn't and no I am not always happy with how I act or with what I think, but I am happy with me.  Why? Because "God made me special and He loves me very much".

I know, such a cliche Christian response, but honestly, I've had to learn to love myself for who I am- really, for who God made me. I grew up in a small town in Wisconsin and was the only black girl in all of my classes for elementary and junior high school. I felt very different, but had great friends who loved me. Then I moved to Omaha, NE and went to high school and for the first time I wasn't the only black girl in my classes, but I had trouble relating to many of the other black girls. Again, I felt different, but for different reasons. On top of that I was loud, obnoxious, passionate and just kind of goofy. After graduation as I entered the workforce, and then college and then back to the workforce I was still that lone, goofy, loud black girl in Lincoln, Ne. In so many situations I felt awkward and out of place. After an interaction with people I'd go home and analyze every detail and wonder at what point I said something I shouldn't have or worried about how I fit in. But why? I always made friends, found a place to belong and knew what path I wanted to take in life. So why did I struggle so much with who I was? Well, it's because of those moments. Those moments when God reminds you you're human after all and you make mistakes, and you hurt people's feelings and you let people down and you sometimes just drop the ball. I think at those times some of us convince ourselves that things like that wouldn't happen if we were just someone else, or just like someone else. We convince ourselves that its simply because we are who we are that makes us do those things and if we could just be someone else, we'd never fail.

That's false thinking and oh what a slap in the face of your Creator to think such thoughts! How do you pronounce something unacceptable that He has already called "good"? I came to a few realizations somewhere along the line and now the way I view myself is remarkably different. Is this how God sees me?

I try to keep in mind these things that I've learned directly from having the type of personality I have:
1. Not everyone is going to love me and want me to be their best friend
2. If I say or do something I regret, I should apologize and move on, not fret over it for ever
3. God gave me exactly the personality I have for exactly the work He has given me to do
4. Number 3 doesn't mean I get to do whatever I want and not be accountable
5. If I were someone else, I wouldn't be exactly who God wants me to be

It's funny what a God-perspective can do to a pity party. So, with this most recent situation that I felt terrible about, I made a phone call, asked forgiveness and thanked God for letting me know myself enough to know when something like that is necessary.  And then I cranked up "Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits" (who I am still mourning by the way), and danced my lone black girl dance in my living room while the kids napped. Yeah I did. Cause I like me.

Most of the time.